A glass of shiraz and something to smoke
I hate gossip as you know but speculation is rife that Eccleston Square's very own bête noire is leading a double life. In public he's the waspish scourge of sandalistas and careerist monsignore everywhere but behind closed doors, so the rumour goes, he transforms himself into the keeper of the true Shachtmanite faith and thundering scourge of Islamofascist reactionaries.
Who does this remind you of? (The reference to Melanie Phillips is a big giveaway).
You may have wondered, at times, whether the Guardian-Islamist entente cordiale was a figment of Melanie Phillips's imagination. Well, wonder no more. Today's Guardian leader on the Government's counter-terrorism strategy is sprinkled with little clues that the multiculturalists have won their battle with the secularists at the newspaper.
The editorial thinks Hazel Blears was wrong to cut ties with the compromised and self-important Muslim Council of Britain. (So do several of Ms Blears's cabinet colleagues, whose views are reflected in the leader.) "It is not up to ministers whom Muslims choose as their spokesmen," says the newspaper. (Actually, it's not up to ordinary Muslims, either.) Also, it's glad that the Government doesn't regard support for Sharia law as an indication of extremism because, as we all know, there's nothing extreme about Sharia, is there? Likewise, it's good that there is no conflation of "Islamism" (note: not Islam) and terrorism - what an absurd notion!
But my favourite phrase from the leader is its reference to the Istanbul Declaration, an anti-Zionist document endorsed by the Muslim Council of Britain. The declaration rants on and on about the "Zionist Jews ... the Zionist Jewish occupiers ... this malicious Jewish Zionist war over Gaza."
The Guardian's judgment? The document made "a slip into racialised language in relation to the Jewish state". Yes, that's right: it must have been a slip of the tongue. These things happen.
Consider the evidence:
They both think the Grauniad has been taken over by the forces of darkness.
They both have strong views on Jihadism.
They both have strong views on the Middle East.
They have both called for Rowan Williams' resignation.
They are both controversial.
They both have links to Max Dunbar.
They both think a good dose of Western Values has never done anyone any harm.
They are both noted bon viveurs.
They both blog best late at night.